Telling his/our friends is a small gift I can give him. It frees him from the minutia of his health story, and they can just talk about fishing, friends and politics. The friends are so glad that I called them. They are worried, but I can answer their questions about treatments, how often, how long, prognosis, side-effects…..so that when he talks to them they can just visit, tell stories and reminisce .
For the most part I stick to the party line “Incurable, inoperable, treatable”, immunotherapy… but with his 2 very best lifetime friend, (our closest couple friends) I spilled the whole story. I thought they should know how little time he might have and how serious it is, because the sweetened up texts that he dictated in the beginning sounded too positive. They too have been grateful to know and have been so kind and have made efforts to see him more. I don’t know that he really appreciates the effort or even recognizes it. He is so focused on trying to feel better.
I called a very dear, relatively new friend (15 years), younger (30 years younger), in Oregon a few nights ago. He told me that he had been afraid to answer the phone. Henry usually calls him; I text and send a Christmas Card. He was afraid something more serious had happened, he was relieved that it was just cancer and not a funeral. He was down on himself for not communicating more frequently, but that isn’t fair. We all get busy on our hamster wheels of life and get distracted by the little things. This friend called the next day and they had a great visit!
I went to the Colorado Rocky Mountains to visit our girls and tell them about their dad and while I was there he asked me to call on all of our friends and tell them what was going on with him. YUK! Not something I really wanted to do and it is far more difficult in person. But, I did it and several of them have called and will check in periodically. He really likes to hear from them.
One of them will go home to Texas at the end of the summer, has been sending photos of her grandson on an amazing 400 mile fishing trip along the Texas coast. Henry enjoyed watching that trip on his phone and talking about fishing trips he has taken.
Driving through a friend’s sunflower patch, drinking a glass of wine on a patio, walking around the new Law School, visiting with a friend who brings a milk shake, a short drive in the country the farm, it’s only 30-60 minutes, but is gets him out and in contact with his friends. He has always cherished his friendships and I think he needs them now. He can only manage it 1-2 times a week. So, when someone asks what they can do, I say call him every other week, stop by for a 15 minute visit (call him first), think of a short driving activity or see if he wants to go to breakfast or lunch. He may not go with you but keep asking.
I am always on the look out for anything I can do to make this journey easier for him. I think this is a big one.