July 2019
How do you tell your children that their father is dying?
Henry, an only child, lost his father when he was just 30, right before our son was born. His mother died, at 92, when he was 60. Both of my parents are still living, healthy and in their 80s.
Just to keep things straight, we are a yours, mine and ours family. But we don’t make step- or half- distinctions. We are all just family. Our son is 48, married with 2 children living in our hometown. Our oldest daughter is 32 and lives in the Rocky Mountains with her sister and fiancé . She is getting married in October, her other father lives about 80 miles from where we live. Our youngest daughter is 28, and lives in the Rocky Mountains with her sister.
I am very close to our son and we depend on each other for lots of support in so many ways. So, when the diagnosis came in, he was my first call and I told him everything. He lost his mother a few days before his wedding and I know there are many times that he wishes that he just had a little more time with her. I thought that he deserved to know everything going on with his dad. They have several projects that they are working on together, so they do spend time together. One of his first thoughts was to take a trip a Thanksgiving together, to help his dad fulfill a promise to the girls to take them to Hawaii or Scotland. The thought was well meaning and a great idea. I too had had the same thought. But Henry just can’t think about travel when he feels so bad. Hopefully he will get a remission and we can all take a trip together.
The girls on the other hand are 1200 miles away. Henry wanted me to stick to the party line with them until we knew about a treatment. So, I did. I hated it but, maybe it was for the best. So when he got the treatment plan. I told them about the Keytruda and a couple of days after his treatment, I flew to the mountains to talk to them. It was the hardest few days of my life. I let the first day be about being together. Then after her sister went to work, I took our youngest out for brunch and told her the whole story. We both cried a lot and her first instinct was to come home. I asked her to table that so we can think about it and get more information. We sat for a long time at brunch, shared a really good piece of French Toast and talked about Dad.
After spending a day busying around, running errands and avoiding the topic, we took her sister and her fiancé out to dinner at a restaurant owned by a chef friend of ours. I told them at dinner and they said that from the first time that I mentioned that he was sick they started talking about coming home. He can transfer to a branch of his work here, and she is brilliant, she will find something. They are getting married here so, they will come back here after the honeymoon. Again, I said let’s don’t make decisions too quickly.
All of their friends who have lost parents have said that the one thing that they regret is that they didn’t take a little extra time, especially after they knew that they were sick. And my daughter-in-law suggested that our son start counseling now. He went to counseling after his mother died and it was very helpful.
My mother had a severe illness at the same time that Henry had his first lung cancer. She had an infection that put her in a coma for a while, caused seizures and strokes, and eventually caused the amputation of one leg below the knee, the other foot at midmetatarsal and about half of all of her fingers. I lived next door with young children, so I could help out and not abandon my family too often. It was a very difficult time. They were about to transfer my mother to a rehabilitation hospital when Henry was scheduled for his surgery. I went to her doctor and asked if there was any way they could keep her until after Henry’s surgery, I was not sure I could manage 2 hospitals for a week. They put her into the Hospice wing and let her mend a bit more before going to rehab. Wouldn’t happen today. But I am very grateful that they were able to help me.
I have talked to several friends who have lost their parents. I am very much in the minority, most have lost one or both parents. Four of my closest friends have lost parents: three of them lived several states away from their parents; one lived next door to hers. The three that lived away had children in college, husbands well established, the time to devote to their mothers and the means to go back and forth often. They both have siblings, but it seemed that they were the ones who took on the caregiver role. Interestingly, the three that traveled to give care all wished for more time; the one who lived next door said that the time she wanted was before they got sick not the daily watching them deteriorate.
I spend quality time with my parents often. And, they are pretty healthy, so I don’t know how I am going to feel when they become ill.
Talking to family about health is so difficult. But talking is important and in person for the first conversation was important for me. There will be many more discussions to come, but the toughest one is begun.